Today I returned to work after two days sick leave. In retrospect, it probably would have been better if I had taken the third day, today, as sick leave. Primarily becasue my physical immune system is still weakened. Years of working with health professionals who just tough it out is a hard habit to break. Like people, unless we have really close contact you will not be infected. Although I'm fairly sure its not "close contact" that has led to my current cold. Just maybe the annual cycle of my body telling me to stop and reassess things combined with too many air conditioned rooms.
Anyway, I returned to work today to discover there were five new project members appointed to my team. I knew that was imminent, but I hadn't expected it to be this week. My project team is multilying at a proportion I'm not really comfortable with - simply becasue I think it will lead to diminishing returns. What once felt like a great fit re the role and the project team no longer does. Not just becasue of my weakened immune system. Because of significantly new dynamics. However, because of my weakend system, and becasue I'm not that brillant at "faking" how I feel (within a work context) at the best of times, I probably indicated that I am pissed off today and not just because I have a cold. While I have still have huge respect for the colleagues that count (in my world view), there are factors that lead me to longer consider my working environment a high trust working environment, where I previously did. It was something I immensely valued about my workplace.
This fact is a significant contributing factor to making me unsettled. I have that feeling where I'd like to wrap my hands in boxing wraps and gloves and just belt the shit out of a round of boxing bags until there is nothing left to give physically - or maybe get on my bike and just ride until I can ride no more.
But becuase my immune system is weakend right now, I can't do that. Also a month or so without a regular pattern of exercise probably means I couldn't in any case. But that is totally how I feel.
So, am I at a cross roads again? I guess I am.
There is a cool blog I read where the author has been writing how she is at peace as her life takes a new direction. I'd like to be able to write that I am at peace. But I am not - at peace.
On the way home from the supermarket last night (a necessary shopping purchase to get basic supplies like honey, vicks etc), I stood on the railway line and listened to the signal sounds. Part of my DNA the train thing. But I looked towards the light of the train positioned at the railway station awaiting take off, and for a moment the thought crossed my mind. "So what if I stayed here" instead of walking over the track.
I wouldn't stay on the tracks when a train is coming - becasue I wouldn't. Becasue that would be dumb. more importantly, becasue I value my life, and I know I am loved by the people I love. I know life is worth living even though at times, like now, it can feel uncomfortable. The thing is though, the thought did cross my mind. I guess it highlights some physcological basic premise; hello a train is coming, if I don't move, I will get run over - then one asks oneself: do you want to get run over? And then, its quite a positive answer when the rheterocial answer to this question is no.
Anyway, that's enough angst for this post. Just being honest about the space I'm in.
This weekend I will undertake to reset some goals and do some positive house and garden stuff. I am sure that will help lift the focus back more positively.
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